The God I was taught

God means different things to different people. I was taught God was an old man who lives in the sky, behind the clouds, past the moon and the stars. And I searched for him in books, words and voices that sounded smart and confident.

The God I was given was to be feared, because the holy judge of each of our actions. I was told that, for the imperfect nature of our humanity, born sinners, we must seek redemption for a chance at forgiveness, and therefore, heaven. The ultimate goal of life.

And so, I didn’t know it was a possibility. To have a direct line with the Divine. To hear God’s voice, merge into mine, in my head, clear as day. Even when it did happen, for months, then years, I doubted. I doubted because I thought I was not worthy of it, of God’s time, attention or love.

—

But who are you?

I am you, and you are me. I am your God within. Trust you and trust me. Trust life. Trust God.

—

Ten days of silence

The first time I heard God’s voice, it sounded just like mine, but kinder, warmer and wiser. And so honest. I didn’t understand what was happening then, but it felt really good.

It was during the summer of 2017. June specifically. I had just returned from Ghana, where I lived for a few months, and was starting a new job. For my birthday, I gave myself a gift that would challenge me: a 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat.

At that time, meditation was a fairly foreign concept to me, and I had never practised Vipassana. I knew of it thanks to a friend. She’d done it the year prior and came out of it determined to be her honest self to her parents. Her experience was compelling enough. And I saw it as a good omen, the fact that the retreat was set to begin exactly on my birthday.

The morning I left, I was busy answering emails, filling forms and studying for my new job. I was plotting ideas for how to go against the protocol at the Vipassana centre and keep an eye on my emails over the next ten days. I even considered leaving the retreat before the end, because, all of a sudden, this commitment felt unaligned and unimportant in regard to my other priorities.

But I had chosen to be there, and so I had to abide by the rules – I reasoned to myself. And they were severe, these rules: ten hours of meditation daily, no talking, no eye contact, no reading, no writing, no music, wake up at 4 am and lights off at 9:30 pm.

The first days were physically painful. Sitting still for an hour-long meditation was agony. But I loved the teaching that ended each day. And slowly, my body adjusted. The daily two meals became more than sufficient. I started waking up before the wake-up bell, sometimes by an inner voice which presented itself as my alter ego.

Slowly, I built new habits and turned them into a routine. A segment of my lunch break became dedicated to walking in the garden. I would make brief stops to observe the bees and other flies feeding on plants or search for a four-leaf clover among the clovers. All the while, with my mind narrating its own endless stories. Going places, times and faces. Sometimes gasping. Sometimes ruminating. Talking mindlessly to itself. And for the first time, I became sharply aware of these constant thoughts.

I was familiar with the bully voice. The inner voice that is nagging and insulting, towards myself, everyone and everything. But the kind, warm and loving voice was new. It stepped in every time the bully voice manifested, shushing it out with such a disarming honesty, and I would smile.

I know I sound crazy. And I may sound even crazier saying that the two voices would sometimes go back and forth. I was just there, witnessing, feeling indeed crazy, but grateful for this protective voice, emerging inside of me.

I like to believe that voice was not new. It had always been there. But finally, in that silent, caring environment where no distractions were available, I could hear it. I could listen.

That’s the best thing Vipassana introduced me to: my divine voice.

Conversations with God

But back in the noise of the world, I often forgot how to listen. So, it would take me years to nurture and fully trust it.

—

I want to talk to you, God. It’s been a while. I need to empty my heart and fill it back in with your love. How do I talk to you again? How does this work again?

Honesty.

Right. I haven’t been patient today. I’m busy at work, but a part of me is playing it out. Allowing myself to be overcome, to get resentful.

You are playing the game of busyness and then blaming others. No one asked you to put so much on your plate. Who are you trying to impress?

I am working hard so I can prove to myself that I can take it. I am much more rigorous during those busy times. I am much more consistent. Empowered. I enjoy that energy.

Well, you can do that without the gameplay on top. That is what makes you want to escape into distractions, to complain, and makes your busyness feel too heavy. But initially, you just wanted to explore and learn from yourself, which you are doing. I know you feel my presence and guidance even on busy days. You have moments of clarity and gratitude. When it feels too much, smile. You’ll know I am there, that we are connected. Walk your chosen path with grace. This is your teacher. Every day and every task is here to teach you. But to learn, you must embrace it. Be with it. Otherwise, you’ll escape into sugar and social media and miss the opportunity to grow. You will be fine, my love.

—

These written conversations became proof of the Divine voice within myself. And through them, slowly, my understanding of God began to shift.

The God I know

I didn’t know how to hear, see and feel God. So I searched for God everywhere but in myself.

I was a girl full of contradictions, trying to fit my thirst for depth and my hunger for truth into society’s small dreams. I thought my wants were wrong. I thought I was wrong.

Impossible then to even think God lived in the imperfect insignificant thing I believed I was.

But that was then.

I now know.

God is both a father and a mother who take joy and pride in watching us be, experience life, make mistakes and learn. Cheerleaders of a special kind, ever present, supporting, loving and protecting. God is always a friend. Never judging. Always on our side. A love so deep and wide, it set us free.

And so why fear God as some preach? How absurd and contradictory.

Fearing God is fearing Love and is fearing self.

—

Dear God, what do you expect from me?

My love, there is no expectation from you. I simply want you to live your life. To expand. To experience. To feel loved. To really feel and taste all the flavours of life. I want you to be joyful. To use your gifts. To share your experiences with the world. No hiding. But those are not expectations. You are always free. They are my wishes for you. Just like parents wish for their kids to live to their highest potential, to grow, to learn, to experience, and to live in joy.

Thank you.

You are welcome, my love.

–

I now know.

God is in me. Always available, even for the silliest of my requests and questions. Because in the grand scheme of life, there is no small topic. There is no small request nor question.

That voice has grown louder since Vipassana and can now transform into the voices of my emotions and even my ancestors. I can tune into it when I need to and use it for myself and others. That voice is my inner guidance, my inner wisdom. God’s voice within me. Our conversations are my greatest comfort. And serving others with it is my greatest privilege.

–

Dear God, how do I know when I am right?

It´s never about being right. It´s about exploring. Venturing, moving with where your compass takes you. And as you know, there is no right or wrong. Life is an adventure. Explore it. Don’t be scared of living, don’t be scared of going places. Inside and outside yourself. Don’t be scared. This is your playground. This is what you get to do. I want you to live with excitement. With big eyes and a large smile on your face. Witnessing life. Living life. That’s what you are doing. It means sometimes making mistakes, and that’s fine. But there is no wrong. And there certainly is nothing wrong with you. Live, my love. Expand your heart and trust. Trusting is knowing that I am always there. That I am not judging. I am laughing with you. Crying with you, too. But I am always there, that’s what you should know. Believe that always and go on and live.

My hand is in yours. And I love you beyond words.

—

Know Thyself

I now know.

Everywhere we look and everywhere we don’t, there is God. And what God ask of us is to know ourselves. All of it. Because the shortest cut to God is through the self. Nurturing our relationship with the self, with curiosity, courage, and honesty, is the direct route to the Divine we carry inside. That voice is our inner compass and co-creator.

—-

Dear God, is there a message for the world today?

My message is for you. Be you. Be happy. But most especially, be you.

Don’t do anything because you should. Do everything because you want it.

You create your life, my love. Create it with your whole heart. The same way you pick and choose specific colours, textures and materials to decorate your living room, create your life to your liking. It´s perfectly fine if it doesn’t look like anyone else. And it´s absolutely fine too if it doesn’t suit everyone’s tastes. It is YOUR life, after all. You are living it for you.

You were born with originality. A strong desire and a burning fire inside. You were born in an environment with a strength like no other, a deep appetite for life. That force is driving you. There is no perfection in what you are creating. You are creating authenticity. There is no perfection in it. It´s about trying. Learning. Trying again. It´s about knowing you, listening deeply, and loving everything that emerges inside you. It’s about loving all of you.